Everybody Wants Me
by ActionBitch
Summary: Sesshomaru is powerless and weak and even better, he has millions of fan girls chasing him and ripping off his clothes. Who you gonna call? The "FBI," that's who. Rated M for language and mindless violence. This is a crackfic, don't read if you don't like


Make It Stop

AN- This is a crackfic. Do not take it seriously…for the most part. This is just me venting in a constructive way. If you take it offensively, then I take it you're like this in the story. Haha, otherwise, I hope you enjoy.

0000000000

Sesshomaru looked down at his hands emotionlessly. He balled them into fists before relaxing them and cracking his fingers. Something was wrong, but he just couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that was wrong.

"Hmph." He huffed, letting his hands fall to his side as he continued his hunt for Naraku. He left Jaken, Rin and Kohaku back in the forest while he set out alone to settle his score with the sneaky bastard once and for all. Sesshomaru stopped walking when he heard rustling in the bushes next to him, followed by excessive giggling.

"Do think I'm deaf? I know you're there." Sesshomaru stated icily. He sniffed to try and tell what it was in the bush, but he realized that his sense of smell was horribly weakened.

"Hahaha! Fluffy!" a girl squealed as she jumped out at him. Sesshomaru held his ground, unmoved by her informal address to him. He was about ready to threaten her life when he faintly heard another girl.

"Tammy! Did you find him?" they called. The girl, Tammy, flipped her brown hair nervously.

"Uh, uh, no! Not yet!" she yelled back, her brown eyes focused on Sesshomaru. The dog demon glared at her and reached for his sword, only to stop when he saw more girls crawling out of the bushes.

"Tammy, you lying bitch!" a blonde girl shouted.

"We should cunt-punt her for lying like a bitch." Another girl stated. Sesshomaru realized that he was damn near surrounded by girls, humans ones for the most part, and they wanted him.

"He's mine, ladies!" a girl shouted as she ran after him, but five other girls grabbed her by her hair and flung her to the forest ground, screaming and hollering at her. Sesshomaru decided to just disappear while they fought.

"Hm? No…damn it…fly, fly fly!" he growled, realizing that his flying cloud would not form and take him away. He tried to jump into the sky, but he barely even jumped high enough to grab a tree branch.

"He's trying to escape! Get him!" the brunette screamed.

"Damn!" Sesshomaru growled, realizing that his demonic powers and senses were nonexistent. He decided to start kicking and hitting the girls, bashing them together, but when get got rid of two, five replaced them. It was endless. He soon found himself running, occasionally turning around to knock a few bitches out, but his first priority was getting out of there and finding out what was wrong with his demonic powers.

"Sesshy! Why are you running? I hate running!" a girl screamed annoyingly. Sesshomaru was far enough ahead of them to not be able to see them, but he could hear their shoes hitting the ground. There were so many of them it sounded like thunder.

"Crazy bitch!" Sesshomaru snarled when one had jumped and latched onto his fluff. He kicked her off mercilessly and pulled out Bakusaiga. He may not have his demonic powers, but he still had sharp objects to cut people with. Sesshomaru frowned when he saw two men in strange blue outfits leap out of the trees and grab him.

"Let's go, douche bag!" one hollered, dragging the demon lord along with him. Sesshomaru noticed that they were flying over the tops of trees, meaning the two men that just saved him were demons. They landed in a village and dropped Sesshomaru on his back; running to separate ends of the extremely small village as they encircled the town with a strange, yellow object with writing on it.

"Does that put up some kind of barrier?" Sesshomaru asked curiously, thinking that no one was listening.

"Tape barrier. It says, "Do Not Cross," and they will not cross. You need to get inside so they can't see you." One man ordered, shoving the demon lord inside an empty hut. Sesshomaru glanced out the window and saw that a huge army of girls was standing at the "tape," screaming and whining about not, "Getting their Fluffy-Poo."

"Hey! Shut the fuck up!" the other demon man snapped as he walked away and into the hut. Sesshomaru watched out the window as the girls grabbed the tape and continued crying.

"So, what seems to be the problem, sir?" the green demon in the blue uniform asked, whipping out a notepad and a pen.

"Problem?" Sesshomaru asked back slowly.

"Yes, problem…your problem. What is it?" he asked again. Sesshomaru glared at him and kept his mouth shut.

"Look, dude, we can just leave your ass here, and we'll take the tape with us and you can deal with them on your own." The other demon suggested, running his fingers through his curly, messy blondish-brown hair. Sesshomaru blinked as he straightened his posture.

"My demonic powers are gone and I have no clue where they came from." Sesshomaru growled, nodding towards the window where the girls' screaming became insufferable. He saw the green one writing something down on the notepad before pocketing it.

"Well, we've done about all we can do." The green one stated as he and the other one walked outside. Sesshomaru walked out with them and regretted it when the girls started screaming and crying even louder.

"Sir, please go back inside." The green demon groaned. Sesshomaru growled at him threateningly, but stopped when the girls stopped screaming. He looked over and saw that the tape had broken.

"Uh oh." The blonde one exhaled uncaringly. The girls were all whispering amongst each other as they stepped into the village.

"Come on, douche bag!" the green one shouted, grabbing Sesshomaru's arm and leaping into the air and landing on the roof of a tall hut. The girls screamed and hollered as they hit the walls of the hut, trying to "move" it.

"It's a good thing they're retarded." The blonde one laughed.

"Oh shit! I'm scared!" the green one screamed when a purse hit him in the head.

"Damn…they're getting even more violent…we need to get the FBI in on this one." The blonde said, whipping out his cell phone and making a call. Sesshomaru stared at him skeptically. Who the hell started talking to a small box when in danger?

"Dude, how does that even work?" the green one barked.

"Shhh! Yes, FBI needs to get their ass down here now!" the blonde one hollered into the phone. He pocketed the phone and cleared his throat.

"You're on your own until they get here, pal. Peace!" he finished, jumping away.

"Deuces!" the green one said, flashing his two fingers before flying off after his partner.

"Wh…what?" Sesshomaru exhaled, as the crowd of girls grew even wilder.

"I can smell him! He's still there! Sesshy!" one called out in a screech.

"I'm sure I could make it," he whispered to himself as he stood up, getting ready to leap onto the other roof, but he stopped when blue flames surrounded the hut he was on, the screams of pain from the girls snapping him from his slight daze.

"Hahaha! Damn Shana!" a girl's voice chirped with a wicked laugh.

"What?" the other voice responded uncaringly. Sesshomaru turned around and felt himself tense up. There were two girls on the roof with him, both looking evil as Hell itself. The taller girl stood straight up, dressed in a nice black suit with a silky red button up shirt beneath it, but it wasn't tucked in, it was left hanging out. She also had a studded belt in the loops of her nice pants and combat boots. She had black hair that was spiked with blood red tips, a cigarette hanging in her mouth and sunglasses that hid her eyes.

"Half breed." Sesshomaru growled to himself, seeing both girls' pointed ears, but no demon markings. The other girl had the same attire on, but her shirt was white, her hair was longer and teased and shaggy. She didn't have the cigarette or the sunglasses, showing her fierce golden eyes looking around.

"Heh, we are the FBI and," the one in red began.

"FBI?" Sesshomaru interrupted rudely.

"Federal Bitches Institute…we basically get paid to beat people's ass." The one in white explained. Sesshomaru glared icily.

"I think you talked to fast for him." The one in red chuckled, not removing the cigarette from her mouth, even to talk.

"Haha, shut up, Shana."

"Make me…Kay." Shana shot back, looking at her with annoyance. With a wave of her hand, Shana made the blue flames disappear as she leapt off the roof. The other girl, Kay, grabbed Sesshomaru's arm and leapt down with him. Almost nothing was left of the crazed girls, but some bodies did remain. Kay sniffed the air and smirked.

"Smells like Kentucky Fried Chicken." She stated.

"More like Cuntucky Fried Chickenheads." Shana retorted, kicking a rock and dropping her cigarette on the ground, stepping on it.

"Haha, that too." Kay replied.

"So, let me get this straight," Sesshomaru began, his hand resting on Bakusaiga's handle.

"You look gay to me." Shana interrupted. Kay snickered happily in response.

"…Anyway, you two are here to, what, protect me?" Sesshomaru asked with disgust.

"Sounds like we've got a whiner, Shana." Kay yawned as she crossed her arms.

"Whiners annoy me." Shana growled, blue flames igniting in her hands.

"Answer my question." Sesshomaru ordered.

"Shut up! Yes, we're here to protect you!" Kay snapped angrily.

"I don't need your help." Sesshomaru replied coolly.

"He's right. Men are so much more dependable." Shana replied sarcastically.

"I don't need help from anyone." Sesshomaru corrected.

"Oh, cool. Let's go." Kay yawned as she walked away. Sesshomaru looked over at Shana, who walked up to him slowly, as if they were friends.

"What are you doing?" Sesshomaru asked.

"Knocking your dumb ass out." Shana replied, blasting him in the face with her fist. Sesshomaru went down, but he wasn't out.

"He's still conscious." Kay chirped.

"Good enough." Shana growled, grabbing his ankle and dragging him away. It took him a minute, but Sesshomaru finally got his mind together and kicked Shana in the back with his free leg, knocking her forward. Kay turned around and frowned.

"Oh hell no!" Kay yelled, jumping at Sesshomaru and knocking him back down. Shana was already on her feet, taking off her jacket and brushing off the dirt. She put it back on and sighed.

"Get off me!" Sesshomaru snarled as he pushed Kay off of him. He stood up and found himself face to face with Shana.

"Now that wasn't very nice. You hurt my feelings." Shana stated dryly. Sesshomaru said nothing more as he followed the two girls into the forest. He stopped walking when he saw a girl running up to him, crazily swinging her arms as she foamed at the mouth.

"Shit, dude," Kay exhaled as she read a paper she pulled from her pocket, idly holding her arm out and clothes lining the fan girl. The girl screamed out as Shana walked by her, setting her ablaze in blue flames.

"What?" Shana asked, pulling the wrapper off of a Jolly Rancher sucker and placing it in her mouth.

"I can't figure this out." Kay stated, handing the paper to Shana and cocking her fist back, launching it into another crazed fan's face. The girl went down easily. Sesshomaru stepped on her, knocking the wind out of her as he tried to keep up with the fast pace of the FBI agents.

"Well, from what I can read, it basically says you suck dick." Shana spoke, igniting the paper and blowing away the ashes as she kicked a girl in the stomach, kneed her in the face, and finished off with a pimp slap.

"Har, har, har, Shana." Kay growled, flipping a girl over her and blasting her with a flame.

"Where are we going?" Sesshomaru growled.

"I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Kay retorted with fake seriousness.

"We're not really…bitch…going anywhere." Shana explained while punching a girl in her stomach. Kay blasted another in the face with her boot and laughed.

"We're not getting anywhere with this, either." Kay added on.

"Still fun."

"Yes, still fun."

"You're out of your mind." Sesshomaru growled.

A few hours of mindless, punching, kicking and flame-throwing later, Sesshomaru finally got the attention of the two girls.

"Why is this happening to me?" he asked them angrily.

"Did you see the game last night?" Kay asked Shana.

"Nah, who won?" Shana asked back.

"Answer me!" Sesshomaru snarled as the two girls stopped walking and abruptly turned around, knocking him back onto the ground.

"Oh oops." Shana yawned unconvincingly.

"Thought you were a chick. What?" Kay asked Sesshomaru.

"Why is this happening to me?" Sesshomaru asked again.

"I thought you were a chick, sorry!" Kay exhaled.

"No. Why am I being chased by girls?"

"I've been asking myself that for years." Shana's voice chimed as she super kicked a girl in the chin.

"You aren't funny." Sesshomaru remarked.

"Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart." Shana shot back, crossing her arms.

"We don't know. We're just here for the shits and giggles." Kay said to Sesshomaru, who frowned.

"What?" he asked.

"Yeah, we aren't even the real FBI agents sent to protect you. We stole their shit." Shana chuckled with an evil smirk as she crossed her arms. Sesshomaru blinked. They weren't even helping him.

"Uh oh!" Kay jumped in the air and dodged the crowd of fan girls. Shana began punching and lighting them on fire. Sesshomaru also had a hand in ass kicking the fan girls, and it went on for a few minutes, until he heard a constant beeping noise.

"Oh," Shana chirped, looking at her watch.

"Yessss. I'm hungry." Kay growled, kicking another girl and disappearing with Shana. Sesshomaru gulped as the remaining girls eyed him, licking their lips.

Shana and Kay sat at a table outside of a hut in another village, biting into their hamburgers.

"Where'd he go?" Kay asked, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"I thought he was with you." Shana said back.

"He was with both of us."

"Really?"

"Haha, oh my God." Kay snickered when she saw Sesshomaru running up to them frantically. Shana picked up the gun she had sitting on the table and shot the girl chasing him.

"Damn." Kay chirped, taking a drink.

"Caught her right above the eye." Shana explained, taking another bite out of her hamburger.

"I hate you both." Sesshomaru snarled as he panted, trying to catch his breath.

"Kay," Shana warned as another girl came running up. Kay grabbed the gun and aimed it behind her without even looking, firing it and hitting the girl in the chest.

"Boom." Kay exhaled. Sesshomaru glared at them.

"Why did you just leave me if this is your job?" he growled.

"Lunch break." Shana said back.

"Wait, we told you that we," Kay began.

"I can tell you were both lying." Sesshomaru interrupted.

"Damn, out of ammo." Shana sighed, kicking a flame at what she thought was a girl, but she realized it was a fan boy.

"It's getting worse." Kay exhaled, finishing up her meal. Shana had pulled out an AK-47 and let loose on the huge army of girls, and now boys, heading their way. Sesshomaru watched with awe as they all hit the ground, one after another.

"Damn, out of ammo." Shana exhaled. Kay stood up and threw a fireball at another group while smiling at Sesshomaru.

"I can't explain why your powers are gone, but I can explain the fans." She said to him. Shana pulled out a huge Gatling gun from underneath the table and began firing into the crowd again, her face completely blank as she held the lit cigarette in her lips. Again, the bodies fell to the ground. Shana stopped firing and glared at the gun.

"Damn, out of ammo." She growled.

"Haha! Where'd you get that?" Kay asked, pointing at the gun. Shana threw it at the crowd and frowned.

"Get what?" she asked back, sitting back down to finish her drink. Kay sat back down and motioned for Sesshomaru to join them. He stayed standing.

"Oh my God! Sesshomaru! I love you! Love meeeeeeeee!" some girls screamed simultaneously. They began hitting one another and screaming that he was their man.

"Hahahaha! Shana!" Kay laughed as Shana pulled out a grenade. She pulled the trigger and held it down, reaching over and tearing off half of Sesshomaru's sleeve and tying down the notch. She threw it into the crowd and leaned back, exhaling smoke.

"Watch this, here comes the good part." Shana commented, holding the cancer stick in between her fingers. Sesshomaru watched as the girls went wild, catching the grenade tied with his sleeve as they began hitting and screaming at one another.

"Yes! It's mine! And so is he!" a red headed girl screamed in victory, ripping the sleeve off and triggering the grenade. It exploded and took out the entire army of fan girls and the few fan guys.

"That was pretty cool." Kay commented as she and Shana stood up, walking away. Sesshomaru felt hands pull him down as more and more girls began screaming and hollering at one another.

"Goddamn it! You stupid mother fucker!" Shana exhaled as she began stomping on the girls.

Sesshomaru groaned as he woke up, looking down at himself. He was missing Bakusaiga and Tenseiga's sheath. His armor was chipped. Huge chunks of his fluff had been ripped out, he was missing a pants leg, his hair was messy, and thanks to Shana, he was missing a sleeve as well.

"Yeah, he's still alive." Shana said, talking into a phone.

"What's the damage?" her boss asked.

"Missing pants leg, missing sword and sheath, fucked up armor, fucked up hair, his fluff is ripped, and he's missing a sleeve." Shana listed off.

"You did that, you wench!" Sesshomaru growled at her.

"I know they did that, I saw it." Shana said back to him.

"He's not missing a shoe?" the boss asked.

"Uh…no. Why?"

"Usually when white boys get attacked, the attackers take their shoes."

"This white boy has both of his shoes."

"Wow, he's a lucky one."

"Kay and I got there just in the nick of time." Shana stated with a smirk.

"So, what was he attacked by? Muggers?"

"Fan girls."

"Oh my God! And he's still single?"

"We got there in the nick of time."

"I'd say so! The poor man!"

"He seems fine to me."

"I'm missing articles of clothing! You bitch!" Sesshomaru barked with annoyance.

"What'd he say?" the boss asked.

"The incident just hit him. He's crying hysterically into my bosom." Shana said tonelessly.

"I am not!" Sesshomaru hollered.

"Shhh, it's ok. They can't get you now. Shana blew them up." Shana replied.

"Shut up!"

"That's right, let it all out. Better out than in."

"…" Sesshomaru would've killed her with no problem had he not been sore from the attack.

"Hey, I'm back and I brought one as a hostage." Kay announced, dragging a girl in by her brown hair. She had on glasses and looked like Ugly Betty minus the braces.

"Why?" Shana asked, flipping her phone closed.

"I don't know, get some information." Kay stated.

"Who do you work for?" Shana asked, punching the girl ruthlessly.

"Ow! I don't know what you mean!" the girl cried back.

"Stop talking." Shana growled, punching her again.

"You bitch!"

"What?" Shana asked, punching her two more times.

"You can't hit her every time you ask her a question. Interrogations are when you threaten someone to give you information, not where you constantly beat them." Sesshomaru explained as Shana looked at him.

"Ok. Hey, do you like Sesshomaru?" she asked the girl.

"I love him." The girl bit back.

"Cool…who do you work for?" Shana asked, punching Sesshomaru in the face and knocking him back down.

"No! Don't hurt him!" the girl cried as Shana smiled.

"Come on, get up. So, who?" Shana asked, putting Sesshomaru in a headlock.

"No one! I'm here on my own!" the girl screamed. Shana blinked and dropped Sesshomaru back to the floor.

"Damn." Shana growled.

"Sesshy, are you ok?" the girl asked.

"Don't call me that." He growled back.

"Haha, Sesshy." Kay giggled. Sesshomaru blinked when he heard something distant…meaning his powers were returning.

"Listen," he said as he stood up.

"Huh?" Kay yawned, hearing it too. There was more coming.

"Shit. They just keep coming." Shana growled, kicking the other girl backwards.

"Heh, finally." Sesshomaru said smugly when he felt his powers flowing through him once again. Now it was time for him to kill his fair share of fans.

"Hurry up, tool!" Kay called after him as she and Shana ran out.

Sesshomaru flew out of the hut, slaughtering girls and guys left and right. He didn't care, he was annoyed beyond annoyed. He saw Kay demonstrate a move to Shana, who looked unimpressed.

"Lame." Shana said.

"Fine! You do something better!" Kay barked at her. Shana shrugged.

"Falcon Punch!" Shana yelled, throwing a flaming fist where the flames were shaped like a falcon. Her fist made contact with one girl and it ended up blowing back twenty of them.

"Hahaha!" Kay laughed in submission as she punched out another girl.

"Good God, already?" Shana asked, noticing that Sesshomaru had wiped out the rest of them.

"It was a simple task." He said to her. Shana continued staring at him through her sunglasses until she snorted.

"You look like a dumb ass! Missing a pants leg and trying to act all thug!" Shana laughed mockingly. Sesshomaru growled at her until he heard a familiar voice calling his name.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" Rin called as Ah-Un landed next to him. Sesshomaru watched as Kay and Shana pulled out guns from behind them, cocking them and aiming them at Rin.

"Um," Rin said uncertainly.

"They keep getting younger and younger." Kay exhaled.

"She's fine, put them down." Sesshomaru growled.

"Yeah, I don't shoot kids." Kay yawned.

"I do." Shana chirped as Sesshomaru pushed her away.

"Let her go! Let her go! Let her go!" The chanting grew louder and louder as girls showed up, wearing, hats and shirts that said, "Team Sess/Rin."

"Ugh, mother fuck." Kay growled.

"No! Kill her! She doesn't deserve him!" More girls screamed, wearing "Team Sess/Kag" shirts and hats. Sesshomaru watched as Shana's eyes went blood red.

"Uh oh, step back, it's going to get messy." Kay advised as Shana let out an angered roar, charging after all of the girls. They all screamed and ran for their lives with the psychotic Shana chasing them.

Sesshomaru's eyes snapped open as he woke up. He looked around silently, flexing his hand and frowning. It was all a dream. He stood up and began walking, enjoying the quiet morning. It was all ruined by an explosion and hysterical laughter as Shana and Kay went running by him.

"Oh my God! Haha! Hahahaha!" Kay laughed.

"Haha, run you stupid son of a bitch, run!" Shana called out, flying past him. Sesshomaru turned around and frowned when he saw a huge crowd of guys, with some girls incorporated into it, sporting "Team Nar/Sess" and "Sess/Inu" hats, shirts, banners, flags, name it, they were wearing it. Sesshomaru blinked as he exhaled heavily.

"Fuck this." He stated, slowly turning around and then…running for his life.


End file.
